The rhythms of Fall are settling in. Kids are back in school, and parents are back in routine. For many, the busyness of summer travel has slowed and there’s more familiarity to the ebbs and flows of our days. Amidst this growing sense of steadiness, then, it may seem strange to write on grief. Why address such a weighty, difficult topic when things are just starting to feel normal again?
Well, because that’s how grief often works. Grief rarely happens when we expect it. And the journey of grief often takes longer than we’d like it to.
Grief occurs when we lose someone or something. While the language of grief is most often used to describe someone who has experienced the death of someone they love, grief can also accompany other meaningful losses. The loss of a job, for example, or a dating relationship, may bring on similar symptoms of grief. Grief often shows up in our emotions – we may feel sad, angry, guilty, or even relieved. Grief can affect our ability to focus, our eating and sleeping habits, and our ability to make decisions. The loss of something treasured can also lead to physical symptoms like headaches, stomach aches, nausea, and fatigue.
You may have heard of Kübler-Ross’s 5 stages of grief[1]. These stages describe some of the major emotional experiences people walk through in the process of grief. The stages are:
- Denial – difficulty acknowledging the reality of the loss
- Anger – frustration and irritability
- Bargaining – making deals (real or imagined) to negate the reality of the loss
- Depression – sadness and despair
- Acceptance – embracing the reality of loss and moving forward
What I like most about Kübler-Ross’s stages is that they give language to some of the most common experiences of the grief journey. Rarely do people move through these stages in a straightforward and orderly way, but knowing the stages can help normalize the ebbs and flows of grief.
Another model that I find useful is William Worden’s task model of mourning[2]. Worden acknowledges the emotional experiences listed above, but he offers a way of engaging more proactively with the grief process. Worden’s tasks of grief are:
- To accept the reality of the loss
- To process the pain of grief
- To adjust to a world without the deceased
- To find a way to remember the deceased while embarking on the rest of one’s journey through life
Like Kübler-Ross’s stages, these tasks may also not proceed in an orderly fashion. They can also be applied even if grief comes in a form other than death. Yet, these tasks offer a framework for the important processes of working through grief and can help provide direction if you’re feeling stuck. For example, journaling about your loved one, or about whatever it is you lost, can support task two and bring about expression of the pain of grief. Creating a ritual (i.e., hiking your beloved’s favorite trail on the anniversary of their death) can support engagement with task four.
Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART) is also a useful modality for treating grief. ART addresses images and sensations that are connected to traumatic events, like death or loss. ART allows for those difficult memories to be re-processed in such a way that knowledge of the loss is maintained but the negative symptoms associated with it decrease. This process can support movement through the grief journey and resolution of many of its most distressing symptoms.
It can also be beneficial to work through these tasks alongside others. Support groups are a great resource to walk with others through the journey of grief. Working with a mental health counselor can also provide support and encouragement along the way.
Grief is one of the most common, and yet difficult, experiences of life. Recognizing the realities of loss, engaging in the tasks of mourning, and finding support from others in the journey, are important for moving through grief. If you find yourself in the midst of loss, our counselors here at CCPC would be honored to walk alongside you and to hold space and hope for you in the journey ahead.
Kirstyn Besch is an Associate Clinical Mental Health Counselor at CCPC. She specializes in treating issues like grief, anxiety, depression, trauma, relationship issues, and faith concerns. She is also trained in Accelerated Resolution Therapy. For scheduling, you can reach out to her at (385) 355-4338 or kirstynb@ccofpc.org.
CCPC is currently hosting a support group for those caring for others dealing with mental health struggles. This group meets every other Wednesday from 6:15 – 7:45 PM at CCPC.
[1] Kübler-Ross, Elisabeth. On Death and Dying. Macmillan, 1969.
[2] Worden, William. Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner 5th Ed. Springer Publishing Company, 2018.